Wednesday, January 27, 2010

So I just don't have to say it, you can read this...

"Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an arse.

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.

4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".

6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

7) There is a reason that tickets to Labor and delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, mother in law or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.

8) Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the priviledge of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,

Pregnant woman."

8 comments:

Turok said...

haha thats funny. Whats sad is all those things said are TRUE about what people do...hmmm...perhaps you can show this post to my father-in-law. HA...I like it

Matt and Jenni said...

hahahaha! I flipping LOVE that you posted this!! Apparently you have some nosy and pushy people in your life...so sorry. It makes things difficult. I think if we would all just stop and think about what could be going on in each other's life and be sympathetic to it, the world would be a better place. Honestly, who would tell you that you look like you are having twins and that your face is fat?! That's just plain rude! Oh, and I'm pretty sure that #2 is my favorite. :) It's so perfectly worded!

Nicole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gaylene said...

my favorite is #4...

The Melo Family said...

:)

Samantha said...

Ohh man -- I'm pretty sure every pregnant woman on earth has had those exact same feelings. When Heather Taylor and I were pregnant at the same time, we were in the hall at church talking about many of the annoyances you mention here, especially the touching part -- when some random lady neither of us knew walked up and rubbed both our bellies, making some weirdly personal comment. It's amazing how many people think they can do and say whatever they want to a pregnant person!
And yes, if you DO need any help at all (from a friend, Sister, or from a nurse), you let me know!!! I am very happy to help in any way I can! Otherwise, I will stay out of your way :)

Meredith said...

I would like my in-laws to read this! Ha ha!!!

Tammy said...

Ouch... I'm guilty of a few of those. Sorry but having your brother tap my hand, and actually feeling the baby kick just wasn't the same.