Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Here it is 4:25 am. I have been up for almost an hour now. I finally dozed off to sleep around midnight, due to a major headache and a crying fest. Brighton woke up at about 3:30 am to eat, looking at him gave me some reassurance that this will all be bearable. The temporary escape I get from all of this stress only happens when I fall asleep. Which I am grateful for because when I am asleep I don't worry about it. When I am right now, I worry, I stress, I cry, I contemplate, I wish, I hope, I pray. I have began to realize that life isn't turning out like I'd hope for. Things are happening that will change my life forever. Things will NEVER be the same. It will be different. I have no one to turn too. I am so far past disappointment, I am simply just mad. I am hurt and afraid. How I wished I could somehow solve it. Ben reminded me last night that it is out of our hands. There is absolutely no way I can fix it. I wish I could, I wish I could help in so many ways but it is just physically and mentally impossible. Satan has worked his magic. He has got in there and screwed everything up. Let me remind you Satan, that I HATE you! Hate, Hate, Hate YOU!!!!! I am unsure what the future holds. I pray that I will find some relief from all of this. I hope that things will workout, if they don't, I will have already begun to prepare myself for the worst. Everyone has to start somewhere. This is where I start. I can do this! I will hold my marriage at a higher standard. I will communicate to my husband when all else fails, I promise to discuss problems or concerns I have even if I don't want too, I will hold him a little tighter at night, and remember without him I cannot and do not want to make it to the celestial kingdom without him by my side. Family is everything, I have always realized this, but now more than ever I need my own little family. I need to focus on my marriage, I need to focus on my little boy. I need a closer family unit because all else is tumbling down right before my very eyes. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. Although, I never thought it would EVER be like this, but here we are and I am so lost. I ache for the love to come back, I pray that somehow someway things can get back to normal. This is simply what I want more than anything.


Samantha said...

Oh, sweetie! Hang in there! I don't know what's all going on with you, but trust in God and he will give you strength to weather it all! And also, have you talked to your OBGYN about possible post-partum depression?? It's something that happens (to some degree) to almost every woman after birth -- it's physiological, and it doesn't mean that something's "wrong" with you or your mind -- it's just because when you're pregnant your hormones are sky high, and after you deliver, they plummet -- no gradual decline -- and that causes depression -- and it's completely treatable. If you're feeling this down and discouraged, I would really, really REALLY encourage you to talk to your doc and see if that could be at least part of the problem! You know I love ya, and I'd be more than happy to help in any way I can -- let me know if I can do anything for you!!
(and P.S. Brighton's booties are almost done!)

Lar. said...

I think I know where this is coming from. Whether my guess is right or wrong, I have to say, I am truly sorry for what you are going through- especially during this vulnerable time in your life.
So, I have one piece of advise. Distance yourself. Some things are so far from your control that worrying about them will just make you crazy. You don't get to choose how others live their lives even if the way you think it should be makes perfect sense.
You are so right about working on your little family right now, the pain you feel about everything else can mess terribly with your world, dont let it. Let your husband hold you and let his strength comfort you but understand it will not heal your heart.
I wish the best for you always Kor.

Gaylene said...

I am so sorry--I agree 100 % with Samantha. Also, I know you are having a tough time. Just know we love you and your wonderful husband and adorable baby. You can also call anytime you want--or better yet, I will call you!!!

Ruth said...

Oh my heart hurts that you are struggling right now. I will keep you in my prayers and pray for you to feel comfort and love. I wish I could do more, but I know that there is One who can do so much more then I. I pray for you now.