Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Here it is 4:25 am. I have been up for almost an hour now. I finally dozed off to sleep around midnight, due to a major headache and a crying fest. Brighton woke up at about 3:30 am to eat, looking at him gave me some reassurance that this will all be bearable. The temporary escape I get from all of this stress only happens when I fall asleep. Which I am grateful for because when I am asleep I don't worry about it. When I am awake...like right now, I worry, I stress, I cry, I contemplate, I wish, I hope, I pray. I have began to realize that life isn't turning out like I'd hope for. Things are happening that will change my life forever. Things will NEVER be the same. It will be different. I have no one to turn too. I am so far past disappointment, I am simply just mad. I am hurt and afraid. How I wished I could somehow solve it. Ben reminded me last night that it is out of our hands. There is absolutely no way I can fix it. I wish I could, I wish I could help in so many ways but it is just physically and mentally impossible. Satan has worked his magic. He has got in there and screwed everything up. Let me remind you Satan, that I HATE you! Hate, Hate, Hate YOU!!!!! I am unsure what the future holds. I pray that I will find some relief from all of this. I hope that things will workout, if they don't, I will have already begun to prepare myself for the worst. Everyone has to start somewhere. This is where I start. I can do this! I will hold my marriage at a higher standard. I will communicate to my husband when all else fails, I promise to discuss problems or concerns I have even if I don't want too, I will hold him a little tighter at night, and remember without him I cannot and do not want to make it to the celestial kingdom without him by my side. Family is everything, I have always realized this, but now more than ever I need my own little family. I need to focus on my marriage, I need to focus on my little boy. I need a closer family unit because all else is tumbling down right before my very eyes. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. Although, I never thought it would EVER be like this, but here we are and I am so lost. I ache for the love to come back, I pray that somehow someway things can get back to normal. This is simply what I want more than anything.